On the mat
I am that I am-Soham
Part Four
As history would have it, I was born into one of the top 10 most dysfunctional families in middle-class suburbia-Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. 42 years ago, I was born to this body to experience some very intense lessons and to learn karma similar to the way an out-of-control forest fire in the driest of forests might ignite hundreds of acres. As far back as I can remember (within my silent world of pre-language) I interpreted thunderously destructive messages from my primary caregivers that (took decades after receiving language skills to discern) reflected their own discontent in themselves. I began making sense of the world prior to language development like all children. The childlike formula for sense making is universal. “I am” the center of the universe! “I” (ahamkara) is defined as everything that happens to me, to others, and my environment. Like a beautiful innocent sponge, I narcissistically internalized everything because of my doing and being. Zealous neural pathways eager for me to make sense of the world begin to edge negative templates within my youthful brain. Pathways that supported feelings of depression, constant anxiety, guilt and an over responsible nature in my personality towards everything and everybody.
Let me offer a silly, yet poignant, example of what all this would look like if it were a Pixar animation within my brain. I would say it would resemble an ant farm with a bunch of dance doing a variety of discomforting emotions (duhkha) running rampantly through their minds. Each aunt would believe that they had no control over the comings and goings of the energy their emotions would induce. The ants would be frustrated at times, and fearfully pressed, and still at other moments, they might feel a twist of aggression. Since ants are workers they would be experiencing these highs and lows without missing a beat as they instinctively burrowed their way developing neural pathways that would serve to keep them separate from themselves and one another. Like most and farms there would be much like force (prana) yet there would be no balance (sattva) between the ants to press and lethargic moods (tamas) or their hyper agitated (rajas) moods. So, you get the picture. There is no stopping those ants. Just like there is no halting the placement of negative thought patterns unless intervention is introduced and new coping tools are practiced. The ant example has served its purpose. Let us leave the farm and get to the Yoga mat where the activities are not about doing they are about undoing.
I am not my thoughts. I am not my beliefs. I am not my material possessions. I am not my accomplishments nor am I my failures. These are simply antaraya– obstacles that prevent a free and secure mind. I am however, part of an infinite plan that is all knowing and all loving. I am that I am. Rolling out a yoga mat and centering myself in the middle in a comfortable seated position (sukhasana) is the prompt that helps take me out of my thoughts, negative or positive, and allows me to set from a position of witness consciousness.
In the moment, I am reminded of Self. I am reminded that “I am”. If “I am” then I must matter, in terms of, the same Creator that has made everything in the universe created me. From my minute, nonjudgmental and quite observant placement on the mat and almost immediate column resonates from the ground up my head down to my sitting bones as I imagine being rooted deeply within the security of Mother Earth. I have learned over time that I feel my best when I am in this practiced state of being. The more of a relationship I develop with Yoga the greater regularity I have in generalizing these feelings in all my affairs on and off the mat. Due to self-study and study of yoga sacred texts (svadhyaya) I am reminded I have a purpose in this world and however I find definition in that purpose it can only flourish to his highest potential when I am recognizing my highest good.
There are so many aspects of how Yoga can help someone suffering from depression and anxiety. I could write 100 papers on just one third of them. Everything from the most obvious like Yoga breathing practices (pranayama) to the postures (asana) to the less obvious such as self-discipline (niyamas) or discipline that concerns our dealings with society and the world (yamas).
I’d like though to end this paper was a very personal and magical realization that occurred in within me during one of my Yoga weekend teacher training classes. A realization I have put to the test repeatedly to make sure I really believe to be true. As I got deeper into this research paper, I discovered several authors and validated my spontaneous insight. However, it was more of the board that it was true for me. The truth for me came to me as unexpected vital information offering me in internalized healing from years of depression without any length of succession in a break in the pattern. What I discovered in that profound moment was that yoga took me back to a time in my life when I was preverbal. A child with no words of her own — only actions and motor skills and a basic understanding of verbal instruction. I found myself during this magic moment (samadhi) when my mad hearing myself breathing slowly and deeply. My movement was lead and synchronized by my breath. My body postures were guided by a kind and loving voice of the instructor. All of a sudden, my inner child took the place of the overcritical adult that I was, just a short while ago, rolling out her mat getting ready to practice. It was I the little girl that was left behind decades ago. The dehumanizing statements that were shouted and the physical attacks no longer held the same significance. The child integrated this valuable information quickly with the adult. I could, somehow, understand and accept this unsettling information from the past as simply being part of the events of my life’s past. They were not the meaning of my life — the meaning of me. Peacefulness permeated and integrated deep within the core of my body, my mind, and my spirit. I felt taller from the inside out. Sensitivity, awareness, and empowerment I just dissolved a thick layer of other people’s limiting communication. I became a happier woman in that moment. I had experienced valuable information from a divine source of knowledge as I surrendered into the moment. On my mat I had had a glimpse of the I that I am, that I was, and certainly, without a doubt, the I that was seized to be. Soham!
OM Shanthi
